Lonely
by Dragon Claymore
Summary: Reid's thoughts and feelings as he goes through the doctor's visit alone in the season 6 episode: Corazon. Slight spolier alert for the episode. Angst


Lonely – a Criminal Minds Fan Fiction.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, the characters from the show, etc. I am not making any money off the writing of this story.

Takes place during the season 6 episode: Corazon. Slight spoilers for the episode.

FYI: To be sure, it's not too confusing…

**Bold** are statistics I found on the internet. I'm pretty sure they're correct and hope I haven't presented any out of context.

_Italics_ are things taking place outside Reid's head.

Everything else is Reid's thoughts.

We are never the same with others as when we are alone. We are different, even when we are in the dark with them.

- _Maurice Maeterlinck_

I sit in a stark hallway, alone. Vibrating, my leg is vibrating. The movement is too quick for a shake or to be any reasonable music beat. I want to shiver all over, but I still control everything but my leg. Light streams through the window to my right. It hurts me. The pain is better than if I couldn't wear my sunglasses.

It's nice I'm at the end of the hallway. Few disturbances make it down to me. I want to scream, to yell, to call attention to the fact that I'm sitting here all on my own. I want my team here. I want the support I know they would be happy - no - eager to provide. I can't worry them. I've been looking after myself for so long. They would baby me. Smothering with their care and concern, I stand to lose another piece of the self-assurance that has taken years to build. Hankel ripped a chunk away. After that, there was Dilaudid, but I'm sober now. I've had to take it one moment at a time some days, but I've made it past and through. Gideon's departure hurt so much. It still hurts a bit, ok a lot, another chunk gone.

Slowly, so slowly I've rebuilt my life.

_The thought almost causes him to snort in derision._

What life?

I work, come home, read, occasionally watch a DVD, and go to bed. Sometimes Morgan drags me out to a club. I don't last there long. The music is always loud, giving me a headache.

_Dr. Reid shakes his head carefully trying to use the physical movement to change his mental movements. Statistics he's read start to filter back into his mind._

**There were 22,340 new cases of brain tumors in the US already this year.**

I wish I had told Morgan about this appointment. He'd be here, swindling Jell-o from any helpless meal trays that wander by us. On the other hand, maybe he'd be at the nurse's station, flirting with every female that walks by.

**13,110 people die from brain tumors last year.**

Hotch would probably have to bring Jack. Jack's a good kid, but he wouldn't last long waiting here. I can't show him any physics magic when I'm trying not to be sick from the pain. Jack has done so well since Haley's death - no - murder. I think his aunt has had so much to do with that. Hotch needs support to get himself through, too. He won't accept it from us directly. The only thing we can do is be there when he needs us.

**An average of 44,500 people in the US are diagnosed with a primary tumor in the brain or spine each year.**

Garcia, wonderful bright Garcia, would be here, probably knitting frantically to give her energy an outlet. _A smile began tugging at his lips._ She'll be furious when she finds out. It'll be worse if she, no this is Garcia, WHEN she finds out I didn't tell anyone. I wanted to. How I wanted to tell. I couldn't walk into the bullpen or the round table conference room and announce I'm petrified.

**10% of brain cancer patients are between 20 and 34.**

**4.2 % of brain cancer deaths are between 20 and 34.**

Petrified, afraid, abashed, aghast, alarmed, anxious, apprehensive, blanched, daunted, discouraged, disheartened, dismayed, distressed, disturbed, frightened, frozen, horrified, intimidated…

**There are 126 different types of primary brain and spinal tumors.**

Prentiss would crack jokes, really, really bad jokes. She'd probably want to hold my hand. She's tactile like that. Inside she'd be just as scared as I am. When the jokes finally run out she'd sit so still and quiet others might think she was asleep if her eyes weren't open. If I need special care, she might even call on her mother's ambassadorial connections if needed. She's such a rock for the team. Not in a female version of Hotch way, she's just so strong. She gives the impression she could ensure anything with grace.

The nurse walks up. The sound of her shoes on the flooring hurts my ears. I've barely recovered when she starts to speak. It takes my mind far too long to compute what she's saying. I give my head a miniscule shake and think for a moment. There was that bit of clarity I savored. When was that? One, no, two days ago, I've had this headache for two days.

She's thankfully brief. I slip the sunglasses back on and almost sigh in relief.

**360,000 people survived brain tumors in 2000. Of the survivors, only 93,000 had malignant tumors.**

My thoughts turn to Rossi and Seaver. Rossi would sit here either working on another book or reading some sort of magazine. Maybe a hunting or guns magazine he has a subscription to. I don't think he'd say much. He doesn't like hospitals. Given that everyone on the team has been through, it's not surprising. Seaver is still so unsure. She's so new, I think she'd come because it's the correct thing to do. She'd feel better if she was, at least, the third in the group. The team is so close it's hard to find your place on it quickly. Sometimes it's impossible to find at all. Goodness knows that's what happened to two good agents before Elle joined. They couldn't take the BAU, let alone learn how to be a proper part of the team. Last, I'd heard, one was with white-collar crime and the other left the FBI.

I hope Seaver finds her place with the Bureau. If it's with us, great. _Reid smiles in his head._ If not, then with another team and or division that appreciates her skills.

**Of Caucasian males, 32.1% survive brain cancer five years.**

I glance at my watch. It's almost time. There's a weight in my chest. I wish I had told someone, something. What? I'm not sure.

… nervous, rattled, scared, spooked, suspicious, terrified, trembling, upset, worried, dazed, fearful, frightened, unnerved…

**Schizophrenic breaks usually begin at age…**

'_Dr. Reid, we're ready for you now.'_

The nurse returns startling me badly.

I shiver as I change into the hospital gown. I feel chilled at the best of times and this is hardly it.

Before I can fully register, I'm lying on the bed of the MRI machine. The only thing I can do is wince at the painful light. My hands clutch at the thin gown. I wish I had someone's hand to hold.

I wish I had told someone

Anyone from the team would offer whatever support I wanted or needed and more, and yet here I am alone because I didn't speak up.

Alone, because of silly pride…

Alone, because I chose not to trust…

They need to know.

Then maybe I won't feel so…

Lonely.

Language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.

- _Paul Tillich_

Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.

- _Carl Gustav Jung_

Yes, it's another one-shot. Yes, it's full of angst. It's the mood I'm in at the moment. Cleaning up after a cancelled engagement isn't easy. Some of it I wouldn't bother but I don't want my name attached to the no-shows.

I have three other stories, more than likely one-shots, with openings written. One is angst for sure the others will depend on how they present themselves to me when I go to write.

Thank you to all my reviewers, it definitely helps heal when others read, comment, and enjoy my work.

To those family and friends that read this, your support over this past week has opened my eyes even more, to just how amazing those around me are. I appreciate the words, time, and even the silences given.

Until next time…

Dragon

4


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